Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
We left an ass print on the piano.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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