I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
