I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
