how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
