and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
