did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
