Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
