I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
the raccoons are back...
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
