I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
