there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I did not marry a roomba.
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