you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
My liver just had a heart attack.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
