herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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