Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
