Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
