Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
