Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
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