Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
