Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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