You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
