My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Randomize
