why didn't you poke me back
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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