His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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