I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
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