Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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