i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
The dick lei will go down in squad history
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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