I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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