we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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