He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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