I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize