shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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