so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
well, you know. whores of a feather.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
