The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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