if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
