uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
