Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
