Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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