How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I have tasted many bathrooms
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
