If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
