I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
