is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize