I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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