Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
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