apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
