drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
