saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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