I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
