i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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