I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
