the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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