Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
