He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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