i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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