If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
