so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
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