Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
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