i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize