Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
